i love sex and cookies

it's monday, i'm at work, and i have a big deadline on tuesday. i'm working hard and trying to resist the lure of twitter: when something *much* more distracting comes my way in the form of an e-mail from a cute girl i know. it starts with:

so you seem like a girl who enjoys life, who's not easily offended, who's used to [...] x-rated pursuits...

and somewhere towards the end:

so what i'm trying to say is... fancy a threesome?

whilst it's not the first such offer i've had, it is definitely the most flattering.

i instant message cookie boy telling him about my offer, and he messages back asking if it's with two other women and if so, can i tape it for him. he thinks that i am joking.

although the offer is genuine and incredibly tempting, i know, even before i have finished reading it, that i cannot take it up. it's not that cookie boy and i are even that serious, it's just that i like where i am with him right now, and i don't want any awkwardness ruining my happy buzz.

still, that evening, as i write back decling the offer, i feel a little annoyed that i am letting my feelings for someone get in the way of my sex life. after all, if i had never met cookie boy, i could totally be having a threesome.

the mild irritation lasts all the up until cookie boy takes my clothes off and has sex with me. and i orgasm. twice.

we never did get around to playing monopoly

cookie boy and i have round after round of sex. i am amazed at his capacity to keep going with not much rest in between. even when we have finished and he is getting dressed so that he can run off and catch the last train home, he confesses:

him: i have a semi that won't go away.
me: *incredulous look* how can you possibly...???

but then i remember: he's 23.

this. is. awesome.

how to increase a girl's confidence

the other day i met up with a good friend of mine. (for want of a better name, let's call him R.) as it was going to be his birthday the next day, i bought him a card and present. prior to our catch-up, i gave him a quick call to make sure i knew where to meet him. i happened to mention that i had brought him a present. his immediate reaction was: oooh, is it a blow job?!

now, at this juncture, let me tell you that there is no chance that i am ever going to give R a blow job. firstly, because we've slept in the same bed on two separate occasions, so if anything was ever going to happen between us, it would have already happened. and secondly, because he has a beautiful girlfriend whom i love and respect.

okay, so with that in mind:

me: errrr....not exactly.
him: why not?
me: why do you want me to give you one anyway?
him: i asked mr brazil and he said you were in his top 3
me: !!!!!

seriously, what is with you boys holding out on us girls with this important information?!

i want some hot stuff baby this evening

i have been getting a little sick of having sex where my partner is satisfied and i am not- which seems to be all i'm getting lately. it is a sad fact that i am unable to orgasm from penetrative sex (at least not vaginal), and so many men just can't do anything else. so, although i am generally reluctant to do this with a first-time lover, i pulled out my vibrator when i was having sex on friday night*.

i guess i am worried that i will offend a man if i yank out my vibrator- after all, aren't i openly admitting that he just cannot satisfy me on his own? (even if, frankly- he can't.) my cookie boy and i masturbated together, and then i gave him head.

he watched me play with my vibrator. it was so much more satisfying than any of the other lame-arse sex i've had lately. seriously- have men become lazy or have my standards gotten higher??

oh. and p.s. it's clearly africa month. kenya: tick


*yes, i shagged another person from my work. i swear to god, i have no idea how this happened. i'd never even met him before friday. one minute it was lunch time and he was giving me a cookie, and the next it was 8 o'clock and we were going home together on the tube.

lunch

after watching aw walk around my office all week, i crack and ask him to lunch. at about 11:30 i send him a blank e-mail with the subject: lunch? he sends back: sure. what time and where?

i tell him that i want to walk to pret, which is true. (i figure that i do not want to make the lunch date-like, i merely just want an opportunity to have a decent and private conversation.) he doesn't reply, although admittedly he is busy and not at his desk much. (he quite likes to flit around the office and be outrageous. it's part of his charm.)

at just after 13:00 i send him another e-mail that says: i am going to lunch in five minutes. you can either come or not. i then get caught up doing some stuff for stupid girl. (seriously, today she asked me how to move text from one cell to another in excel. errr... have you heard of cut and paste??) so it is at least 15 minutes before he happens to be near my desk and i announce loudly that i am going to lunch. he tells me to wait.

he collects me five minutes later and we walk out of the office:

him: so where do you want to go?
me: pret
him: i don't go to pret
me: errr... okay *pause* well.... bye then

i turn off to go to pret, and aw keeps walking. i guess there wasn't really much to have a decent and private conversation about.

a glossary

i've had a number of comments recently about the confusing nature of the characters (and their corresponding acronyms) in my blog/twitter feed. for those of you who only follow twitter, this is entirely understandable. and for those of you who read the blog... well, we both know there's no plausible excuse. but please do allow me to smooth that wrinkle from your brow by providing you with a full glossary:

• A1- boy who looked after me when i first arrived in london. for about a month. before telling me that we couldn't be friends because his girlfriend didn't like me. or something. (who really cares?) his name is a nod to the infamous belle de jour.
• aw (or sometimes a-w)- arse-watcher. so named because i caught him watching my arse. we are currently working together at the dreaded nhs. also, we had sex.
• F1 & F2- my flatmates. both are amazing and gorgeous. and australian.
• jemima- or jemima jemima the secretary if you prefer. my previous (and possibly funnier) blog character. most of her blog is missing for legal reasons (read: my employer fired me and contractually obliged me to delete it.)
• johnny- a man (boy?!) from my home town of melbourne that i used to work with. after numerous naked pictures, phone sex, and significant emotional heart-ache, we have agreed (okay, so i dictated) that we will not have further contact until we are both in the same city. i hope to have some fun with him when i get home
• mr brazil- guy from brazil that i recently had sex with. characterised by his inability to orgasm during penetrative sex (although he seemed to do just fine during oral sex). hrmm... just realised i never blogged about this aspect. interesting.
• osg- oral sex guy. so named for his outstanding oral skills. he was also good at domination. i fell in love, but it ended badly. now we live across the road from each other but do not speak. enough said.
• rfg- random french guy. he worked at F1's work. apparently i was too much for him.
• sg- stupid girl. so named for the varying and numerous stupid questions she asks me. she doesn't appear in this blog (thank god!), only in my twitter feed. we work quite closely at the nhs.
• vsg- video store guy. so named because he works (worked?) at my local video store in melbourne. we have been known to have sex and watch porn together.
• wg- weird guy. another character who i am thankful that i have not had sex with. we also work together at the nhs. he recently asked me to appear in his (horrifically-scripted) university production that he was directing. the situation is, as yet, unresolved.

hope this helps, ya'll. if i've left anyone off the list, feel free to drop me a line.

xx
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